Is this you right now, do you resonate with this somewhere or everywhere in your life? This is the most common statement I hear from women when they come to see me; they feel unworthy, unloved, insecure, unhappy with very low self-esteem affecting every relationship they have because they simply don’t feel ‘good enough’.
We all crave to be whole and complete as human beings so ‘not feeling good enough’ is one of the biggest inner conflicts we can face in striving for this. Feeling not good enough is painful but, it’s not permanent!
Let’s not put a sticking plaster over this and look into how you can help yourself be a worthy happy person, let’s go deeper and heal the actual wound. The mother-daughter wound is the most profound and intensely painful wound you will ever experience and it does affect every relationship you create in your life. So it really is crucial that this relationship is healed before you look at the other important relationships in your life.
Why do I believe this? Because healing this incredibly complex relationship has transformed my life and the lives of thousands of other women. ‘I am good enough’ and I truly believe this affects every area of my life in romance, family, friendships and business. So it is something that is worth putting the time, effort and hard work into.
When you are born, your mother is your world loving you unconditionally, but if your mother is unable to express this love because of her own wounds she could end up verbally, physically or even emotionally abusing you. The child then puts a condition on the love because of her mother’s wounds….. for example ’I will only be loved if I do well’. The child doesn’t receive the love she so craves and so has nothing to relate to the inside of her so she has to create things in her external world for her to feel good enough about herself.
And so the seed is planted and will continue to grow into a belief that ‘You are not good enough’. Once this is a belief, your behaviour will drive you keeping you in a space of not being good enough. Being ‘not good enough’ now feels like its actually part of you BUT the inner conflict inside your mind continues to rear it’s ugly head because the real truth is you are good enough’.
The reason it hurts so much is it’s not actually your belief but one that was created because of your mothers wound. Not only do you not feel your mother’s love you are not living by your own beliefs. Your true belief is that you are good enough because as humans we all crave to be whole and are enough just as we are. This is why it is imperative to heal that inner wound at the very core of the all of the pain and hurt.
Not being loved by my mother in a way I desperately wanted to be, affected my entire life creating a hugely destructive relationship with my mother for over 35 years. During this period, I tried everything I could to feel that love, and failed every time eroding away any self-esteem and self worth I had until I hit my rock bottom. Mum told me to my face that she didn’t love me and I felt I’d hit the end of the road. I had nowhere else to go as it wasn’t worth trying anymore.
But that was the turning point in my life. I felt like running away from everything I had created, but something stopped me and I faced reality for the first time in my life and reached out for help. After months of therapy and not speaking to my mother, I started to connect with her again and over the years we have created a deep and loving bond. After 16 years in Dubai we are returning to the UK to live down the road from Mum and Dad, so miracles truly do happen. I feel whole, worthy and more than good enough in every area with an exciting future ahead. But if therapy isn’t for you right now, take a look here for some ideas to start your journey.
• Be aware of your feelings – notice what feelings you have when you ‘don’t feel good enough’ in situations; do you feel overwhelmed, anxious, scared, insecure or jealous. Just acknowledge these emotions for now.
• As you become more aware of these feelings (and not pushing them deep inside of you anymore), start asking questions about that feeling – is it longing to be accepted, does it want to be appreciated?
• Now you are aware of what that feeling really wants – for example, to feel that you belong (this was a huge one of mine) think back over your life and try a remember a time you felt like you belonged, maybe it was with a school friend or you were part of the netball team? And recreate that feeling of feeling belonged because that is what you are craving.
• So now you understand that you have a need to feel that ‘you belong’ start to create this into your life now by perhaps starting a new hobby, joining a therapy, volunteering in your community – look at how YOU can create that ‘belonging feeling’.
• What is being good enough anyway? – list out what that means to you in all your life areas from your relationship with your partner, your finances, how many friends you have, etc. Start to deconstruct the word ‘enough’; it is only the meaning you are giving it.
• Now you are developing an understanding here you can perhaps look at the person who taught you that you were not good enough, that this is actually what they are saying about themselves. For me, my mother believed that she wasn’t good enough at achieving good grades at school, so that belief was projected onto me.
• Now you can start asking yourself, ‘Not good enough for whom’? Which might make you think that the whole ‘good enough’ thing is ridiculous or give you the opportunity to explore further how you can heal this.
• The voices that tell you that you aren’t good enough may well have become an addiction so becoming aware of this you can change the language consciously around this and start repeating throughout the day ‘I am enough’.
• Be kind to yourself – show yourself compassion, this really is key in every area of your life, begin to look at yourself as if you were talking to your best friend, how would you show her kindness and start doing this for you today.
• Use this daily mantra; When the ‘not good enough’ feelings show up – ‘I’ll discover something, if I listen without attachment.’
• Keep asking these two questions: “What are my definitions of ‘good enough’ and ‘not good enough’? Can I really define these?” Keep exploring and never give up!
Feeling not good enough is painful but it is not permanent! When it feels right for you, seek out some therapy to support you through your journey, take that step and know that you don’t have to be alone.
I believe we all want to be in this place of feeling enough so you are no longer assuming that you’re not good enough, no longer turning your back to the fact that you are good enough and no longer trying to find evidence that you are good enough.
Written by British mum and Life Coach Louise Armstrong
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