Living thousands of miles from my home in England I thought I could repair the lifelong destructive relationship I had with my mother – with the distance between us giving us ‘breathing space’ followed by lovely long holidays together to ‘get to know each other’ and sort our relationship out once and for all. Is this you right now or maybe you think moving away from family will distance you from your feelings? Sadly they come with you on the plane.
I couldn’t have been more mistaken as things rapidly deteriorated each year and started to affect my entire family; particularly the relationship with my eldest daughter. Did you know that the mother-daughter relationship is one of the most intense relationships you will ever experience?
This relationship is so powerful that it affects the interaction with your partner, your children, your friends and yourself. This incredible bond, which was once based on love, can turn to anger, resentment and guilt ruining your whole life.
Are you desperately trying to seek your mother’s approval, strive for her acceptance, win her praise, gain her acknowledgement, crave her love only to be disappointed in every effort you make and it just never comes? With all of this trying and needing perhaps you are left angry, resentful, desperate, exhausted with such low self-esteem with utter guilt, which ends up affecting every area of your life?
For over 35 years I was desperately seeking my mother’s approval, her affection, and love. I tried everything possible only to be continually disappointed every time, diminishing my self- worth as I truly began to believe how useless I really was. One summer holiday after staying with Mum and worn out with the entire constant battles, I asked her if we could just accept each other for who we were.
I was stunned, shocked and devastated to be told my mother didn’t love me and would never change. Tears streaming down my face I boarded the plane back to Dubai and faced the decision of either having nothing more to do with my Mum OR I WOULD CHANGE MYSELF. And that’s what I did; I embarked on a journey of self-healing without one conversation with my mum.
Today, we enjoy a deep, loving relationship and even went on holiday together last year. The greatest gift though to myself, my Mum AND my children is freedom – we are all free from the toxic paradigm affecting our lives.
Here are a few tips to start your healing journey TODAY.
1. STOP TRYING to – make things work, make things better, please your mother, say the ‘right’ things, ‘do’ the ‘right’ things as it doesn’t work.
2. Have NO EXPECTATION from your mother – when you phone her do not expect her to respond in a certain way, do not expect her to be happy for you, hug you, cheer you on or be interested in anything you have to say. When you stop the expectation you also protect yourself from being disappointed.
3. Understand that you DO NOT NEED anything from your mother – YOU ARE ENOUGH. You really do not need her affection, her praise, her validation, her approval or her love because you are enough.
4. The HEALING is all about YOU. For perhaps the first time in your life put yourself first. You’ve probably even forgotten how to do this after all of these years.
5. The healing process is one of acceptance of whom you are, letting go of the lack of need for your mother’s love in any form, re-writingthe perspective of your past and finally the FORGIVENESS for both you and your mother.
We all deserve a life of peace and fulfilment – we all have a choice in life, will you be the one to make that change?
Louise Armstrong is a Family Relationship Coach, NLP Master Practitioner and Licensed Coach, Theta Healer, Couples Councilor and soon to be Licensed Hypnotherapist – with the Mother-Daughter relationship being her signature-healing program. Louise has spent years trading the financial futures markets but having experienced such personal transformation in her own life she embarked upon gaining professional qualifications to support her mission in helping thousands of women worldwide end their suffering to live a life of love and peace.
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